Monday, July 30, 2012

A Look Into My Heart

I was sitting in my living room at 2 AM listening to music I've downloaded, and Breakeven by The Script came on. I don't know why but when it's late things get me really emotional and I start thinking about things that have happened in my life.

"I'm still alive but I'm barely breathin... cus when a heart breaks no it don't break even... what am I gonna do when the best part of me was always you... what am I supposed to say when I'm all choked up and you're okay... I'm fallin to pieces...One's still in love while the other one's leavin...Cus when a heart breaks no it don't break even..."
My first love was a guy named Dave. I was 15 years old. I know it's young but now that I've been through more and experienced "adult life", I'm confident it was love. I lost my virginity to him, he was the first man to take my heart and the first man to break my heart. We had a really unhealthy relationship. I was no angel but he wasn't good to me at all. Some of the things he said still haunt me to this day. My self-esteem was ruined after that relationship and I thought that my heart would never heal. I was the one to finally leave (after breaking up and getting back together numerous times) and it was hard but I couldn't take it anymore. I knew I deserved more. Our 2 year relationship was over.

Along came Ryan. At a time that I was so vulnerable and fragile, he came along and told me what I needed to hear. He made me feel loved and gave me what I was missing at home. We dated for 9 months, he proposed and we got married. A few months after we got married, I got pregnant. I had our daughter in October of 2007 while he was in jail. He got out, didn't help, and didn't care about me OR her, even though I had waited for him and my life had revolved around him. Although he wasn't physically abusive, the things that he did to my mind were horrible. His words still cut through me when I think about them. The things that he said still bother me, still make me feel worthless, and ugly, and stupid. My family saw how he completely changed my thinking (for the worst). After 2 years, he left. I found out later that he had cheated (a lot), and once again my world was turned upside down. This breakup was much more painful. I had married him (and unlike him was in it for the long haul... I don't take marriage lightly.) and had a child with him (even though I had really done it by myself). I had loved him with everything I had... every ounce of me... and when he hurt me, it ripped through my soul like nothing before ever had. It took me over a year to even begin to get over this.

One day walking into the store I saw Tom coming out. We had been friends for a few years, and had dated in the past but it never worked out because of other people (Dave). We started hanging out again. I was terrified to let myself fall in love again, to feel for someone the things that I had felt in my previous relationships. I didn't want to go through the depression and heartbreak again. I didn't want to fall apart again and have my world turned upside down. I physically and mentally couldn't do it again. I had barely come out of the last relationship alive (suicide attempt, depression, etc.) and I just couldn't do it again. Once I saw how good Tom was to me and how much he cared, and other people started to notice how he treated me, I started opening up to him more. The thing that got me was how he treated my daughter. Nevaeh was a year old and hadn't seen her father since she was 2 months. Tom treated her like she was his own. I could see the love he had for her in the way he interacted with her. That was the thing that got me... that's how I knew he really loved me. Fast forward to 3 years and a baby later. We are still going strong. Sometimes I still worry about the "what-if's"... what if he leaves... what if we don't last... what if I'm not good enough for him... I know it's not a good way to live life-- wondering "what-if" but I can't help it. I didn't think I had any love left to give. He took the last ounce of love I had in my heart. If something happened with us like it happened with my past relationships, it would destroy me. I've had people abandon me in my past; family, friends, boyfriends, a husband.... People that really mattered to me. So who is to say he won't do it too?? I guess we will have to see and I will have to put my full faith in him and trust that he won't do that.
"They say bad things happen for a reason. But no wise words gonna stop the bleedin..." I didn't understand why things in my past ended the way they did. Tom found me at my weakest point in life. I really believe God sent him to me. He allowed things to happen so that at the end of the story, I could have a happy ending. WE could have a happy ending. I am letting go of my fears completely and putting this in God's hands. This is all I can do. I am confident that these 3 years have just been the beginning....

I love you, Babe. <3

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