Sunday, May 20, 2018

I Didn't Get To Say Goodbye; Losing My Mom...💔


I don't know where to really start with this, it's painful to talk about so I'm just typing whatever comes to mind. As you know from my last post, I lost my grandma a couple weeks ago. Well, on Mother's Day (of all days), I lost my mom unexpectedly.

My mom had a stomach bug and wasn't feeling well, so she went to take a nap. I hadn't talked to her yet that day... I was planning on calling her after work to wish her a Happy Mothers Day. Around 2 PM, her husband turned her over and saw that she was gone. He did CPR and the paramedics did as well, but she had already been gone for a little while so it didn't work. After getting an autopsy done, we learned that she had a massive heart attack in her sleep. She didn't suffer or feel any pain, and she went very quickly. She's had heart problems since birth so the way she went wasn't surprising, but the timing definitely was. I had just seen her at my grandma's wake the week before, and she was doing OK. For her to just go from being fine to dying was such a horrible, heartbreaking shock.

When my Grandma died, I asked God why he took her, but now I realize that if my grandma didn't pass when she did, I wouldn't have had the chance to see my mom again before she passed. (For those who don't know, my mom lived in South Carolina and I live near about 900 miles away.) If my grandma didn't pass away when she did, I wouldn't have gotten to hug my mom, and laugh and cry with her. I wouldn't have gotten to show her our new car and show her new pictures of her grandkids. It was a very short trip so she didn't get a chance to see my kids because we didn't bring them to the wake, but I'm still very grateful that I got to see her one last time. I found a voicemail that I didn't know was there a couple days after she passed and she was saying how I was the most beautiful woman in the room and she couldn't believe how gorgeous I looked, and how proud she was of me. I lost it when I heard that. Everyone has told me I look like her as far back as I can remember.

We haven't always had a perfect relationship. We're both very emotional people and extremely stubborn. (Like mother, like daughter.) We always knew though that no matter what was going on between us, if we really needed eachother, we would ALWAYS be there for each other. No questions asked, without a doubt. It's so hard to not have her here. She was my #1 supporter, my #1 source of comfort, and my best friend. Since I was two, we would say "Buddies for life" and interlock our pinkies, and now I do that with my kids.

an old message from her...💔

and another one. 😭

It's been 1 week today since she's been gone, and I'm absolutely heartbroken. I can't go an hour without crying, and everything reminds me of her. I feel like I'll never be happy again. She took a huge piece of my heart with her when she went. I'm planning on writing a separate post with a bunch of our memories together. I was going to include it in this one but it would be so long if I did that, so I'll do it separately.

If you are religious, please keep me in your prayers. If you aren't, please keep me in your thoughts and send me some positive vibes. I've never gone through anything like this, and losing the only two family members I had within weeks of eachother has been beyond heartbreaking. I'm trying to be strong for my babies, but it's so incredibly hard. 💔💔💔

I love you, Mommy... to Heaven and back. 💖

xo, Sarah

Tuesday, May 1, 2018

Losing a Piece of my Heart & Gaining a Guardian Angel

"You left me beautiful memories, your love is still my guide; and though I cannot see you, you're always at my side."

I lost my best friend, my biggest supporter, my source of comfort, my everything the other grandma. She didn't suffer, she just passed in her sleep. My grandma wasn't just a grandma to me. She was so much more. She was like a mom to me. No matter what I was going through, she was always there for me. Even through the toughest times in my life. She never left my side. Tears are streaming down my face as I write this. She lived such a full life, and was ready to be with her husband... I just wasn't ready to let her go. Her wake is tonight and I don't know how I'm going to get through it. Normally when something is going on in my life and I need comfort, I go to her... but obviously I can't do that today and it's hard.

I wanted to share some memories I had with her, more so for myself than anything else.

I remember playing "grocery lady" with her at 3 years old and her asking me what the microphone was for. I picked it up and said "clean up on aisle 3". She thought that was the funniest thing ever and said she couldn't believe that I knew what it was for. I also remember during this, she would take coffee breaks, and I told her that she took too many. This was one of her favorite memories too and she always loved talking about it.

I remember going to her house and playing with all of her cans in the basement pantry.

I remember when my brother was born I was being protective and said no one could hold him. When he came home from the hospital and she went to see him first, I cried my eyes out. She said it broke her heart and after that she always came to me first.

I remember her coming to my gymnastics practice when I was 6 and being so happy that she was there.

I remember the many sleepovers at her house growing up. Walking to the park, going to Amazing Savings for toys, watching The Sandlot. I remember when I would get scared I would climb into bed and cuddle with her.

I remember going back to school shopping with her every year at North Riverside mall and she would let me pick out any clothes and shoes I wanted. She always spoiled me. 💖

I remember the many Christmas Eve parties at her house. I remember always asking her to make deviled eggs and the cookies I loved so much. She made everything from scratch and even if I used the same recipe it never tasted exactly like hers did. She was the best cook.

I remember her showing me her ring with all of her kids and grandkids birthstones in it, and telling me all about it.

I remember her always having candy in her candy dish. I don't think that thing was ever empty. My kids knew exactly where it was too. 😊

I remember the day I got married, her being there. I remember telling her when we separated and her telling me she knew he wasn't the one. Later she watched me fall in love all over again and absolutely adored him too.

I remember the making her a great grandma and the first time she met Nevaeh. The first time she met each of the kids. She loved her great grandkids so much. Lexi was her special girl, they were so attached to eachother.

I remember when I got in trouble at 18, and she wrote to me and never gave up on me. When I came home she took me clothes shopping because I had nothing left, and was so proud of me.

I remember when she told me about her surviving breast cancer and showing me the prosthetic breast. I freaked out. (I was really young.) We laughed about it later. 💖

I remember seeing my grandpa's dentures floating in the sink upstairs and running downstairs screaming. She thought it was the funniest thing ever. 🤦‍♀️😂

I remember the talks we had and crying together and hugging eachother. I remember thanking her for never leaving my side. I'll never ever forget how it felt to hold her hand or hug her. I'll never forget her scent or her warmth and comfort.

I remember her taking us to pick out our kitchen table and chairs for our first apartment. They were SO expensive but she was so proud of us and said we deserved it. 💖

I remember the many breakfast and shopping dates we had with her. And the many trips to Walmart. Those were our thing. 💖

I remember her always ordering Egg McMuffins and Filet O Fish sandwiches at McDonald's.

I remember how much she loved where she was living and how active she was in her community.

I remember all of the 4th of July parades and fireworks at her house in North Riverside. It was a tradition to go together every year.

I remember visiting her and my grandpa at their winter home in Naples, FL. I loved it there, and so did they. She would make homemade orange juice from the oranges growing in her yard.

I remember my grandma writing me letters while she was in FL for the winter so I could get mail and practice writing letters.

I remember my grandma flying me out to Florida when I was in 6th grade so I could go to Disneyworld with her and my aunt and uncle. I felt so special because I was the only cousin that was invited and I got time with her alone. Of course she spoiled me on that trip. 😊

I remember taking Lexi to the special Christmas event at her retirement community where they had Santa, horse and carriage rides, etc. She was so excited we were there and loved showing us off to everyone. She was so proud. 💖

I remember her always teasing us about wearing destroyed denim jeans. She always used to ask why we paid for jeans like that when she could just tear them up for free. 🤦‍♀️😂

I remember her singing the song "When I'm 64".... I can still hear her voice when I think about her singing it.

I remember the way she would talk about my grandpa after he died and how much love they had for eachother. I always said I wanted a relationship like they had.

I remember how she always told me how beautiful I was, even when I didn't feel like I was. She was a spitfire too, if she didn't really think you were beautiful she would NOT tell you that you were. 😂

I remember her many peptalks and all of her support. I'll never ever forget that. I hope she knows how truly thankful I am for that. I honestly don't know if I would have made it to where I am without her support.

I remember her always telling me to forgive everyone, and always telling me to pray and stay close to God. She was always so strong in her faith.

I don't know how I'm going to go through life without her. She's always been my rock. I was her first grandchild and my mom always said I was my grandma's favorite. We were so close. I just hope she's proud of me and is watching over me. She's my guardian angel now.

"God looked around his garden,
and found an empty space.
Then he looked upon this earth,
and saw your tired face.
He put his arms around you,
and lifted you to rest.
God's garden must be beautiful,
He only takes the best."

"God saw you getting tired,
and a cure was not to be.
So he put his arms around you,
and whispered "come to Me".
With tearful eyes we watched you,
and saw you pass away.
And although we loved you dearly,
we could not make you stay.
A golden heart stopped beating,
hard working hands at rest.
God broke our hearts to prove to us,
He only takes the best."

I love you, Grandma, yesterday, today, tomorrow, and forever. 💖💔