I don't know where to really start with this, it's painful to talk about so I'm just typing whatever comes to mind. As you know from my last post, I lost my grandma a couple weeks ago. Well, on Mother's Day (of all days), I lost my mom unexpectedly.
My mom had a stomach bug and wasn't feeling well, so she went to take a nap. I hadn't talked to her yet that day... I was planning on calling her after work to wish her a Happy Mothers Day. Around 2 PM, her husband turned her over and saw that she was gone. He did CPR and the paramedics did as well, but she had already been gone for a little while so it didn't work. After getting an autopsy done, we learned that she had a massive heart attack in her sleep. She didn't suffer or feel any pain, and she went very quickly. She's had heart problems since birth so the way she went wasn't surprising, but the timing definitely was. I had just seen her at my grandma's wake the week before, and she was doing OK. For her to just go from being fine to dying was such a horrible, heartbreaking shock.
When my Grandma died, I asked God why he took her, but now I realize that if my grandma didn't pass when she did, I wouldn't have had the chance to see my mom again before she passed. (For those who don't know, my mom lived in South Carolina and I live near Chicago...so about 900 miles away.) If my grandma didn't pass away when she did, I wouldn't have gotten to hug my mom, and laugh and cry with her. I wouldn't have gotten to show her our new car and show her new pictures of her grandkids. It was a very short trip so she didn't get a chance to see my kids because we didn't bring them to the wake, but I'm still very grateful that I got to see her one last time. I found a voicemail that I didn't know was there a couple days after she passed and she was saying how I was the most beautiful woman in the room and she couldn't believe how gorgeous I looked, and how proud she was of me. I lost it when I heard that. Everyone has told me I look like her as far back as I can remember.
We haven't always had a perfect relationship. We're both very emotional people and extremely stubborn. (Like mother, like daughter.) We always knew though that no matter what was going on between us, if we really needed eachother, we would ALWAYS be there for each other. No questions asked, without a doubt. It's so hard to not have her here. She was my #1 supporter, my #1 source of comfort, and my best friend. Since I was two, we would say "Buddies for life" and interlock our pinkies, and now I do that with my kids.
|an old message from her...💔|
|and another one. 😭|
It's been 1 week today since she's been gone, and I'm absolutely heartbroken. I can't go an hour without crying, and everything reminds me of her. I feel like I'll never be happy again. She took a huge piece of my heart with her when she went. I'm planning on writing a separate post with a bunch of our memories together. I was going to include it in this one but it would be so long if I did that, so I'll do it separately.
If you are religious, please keep me in your prayers. If you aren't, please keep me in your thoughts and send me some positive vibes. I've never gone through anything like this, and losing the only two family members I had within weeks of eachother has been beyond heartbreaking. I'm trying to be strong for my babies, but it's so incredibly hard. 💔💔💔
I love you, Mommy... to Heaven and back. 💖