I don't know where to really start with this, it's painful to talk about so I'm just typing whatever comes to mind. As you know from my last post, I lost my grandma a couple weeks ago. Well, on Mother's Day (of all days), I lost my mom unexpectedly.
My mom had a stomach bug and wasn't feeling well, so she went to take a nap. I hadn't talked to her yet that day... I was planning on calling her after work to wish her a Happy Mothers Day. Around 2 PM, her husband turned her over and saw that she was gone. He did CPR and the paramedics did as well, but she had already been gone for a little while so it didn't work. After getting an autopsy done, we learned that she had a massive heart attack in her sleep. She didn't suffer or feel any pain, and she went very quickly. She's had heart problems since birth so the way she went wasn't surprising, but the timing definitely was. I had just seen her at my grandma's wake the week before, and she was doing OK. For her to just go from being fine to dying was such a horrible, heartbreaking shock.
When my Grandma died, I asked God why he took her, but now I realize that if my grandma didn't pass when she did, I wouldn't have had the chance to see my mom again before she passed. (For those who don't know, my mom lived in South Carolina and I live near Chicago...so about 900 miles away.) If my grandma didn't pass away when she did, I wouldn't have gotten to hug my mom, and laugh and cry with her. I wouldn't have gotten to show her our new car and show her new pictures of her grandkids. It was a very short trip so she didn't get a chance to see my kids because we didn't bring them to the wake, but I'm still very grateful that I got to see her one last time. I found a voicemail that I didn't know was there a couple days after she passed and she was saying how I was the most beautiful woman in the room and she couldn't believe how gorgeous I looked, and how proud she was of me. I lost it when I heard that. Everyone has told me I look like her as far back as I can remember.
We haven't always had a perfect relationship. We're both very emotional people and extremely stubborn. (Like mother, like daughter.) We always knew though that no matter what was going on between us, if we really needed eachother, we would ALWAYS be there for each other. No questions asked, without a doubt. It's so hard to not have her here. She was my #1 supporter, my #1 source of comfort, and my best friend. Since I was two, we would say "Buddies for life" and interlock our pinkies, and now I do that with my kids.
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| an old message from her...💔 |
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| and another one. 😠|
It's been 1 week today since she's been gone, and I'm absolutely heartbroken. I can't go an hour without crying, and everything reminds me of her. I feel like I'll never be happy again. She took a huge piece of my heart with her when she went. I'm planning on writing a separate post with a bunch of our memories together. I was going to include it in this one but it would be so long if I did that, so I'll do it separately.
If you are religious, please keep me in your prayers. If you aren't, please keep me in your thoughts and send me some positive vibes. I've never gone through anything like this, and losing the only two family members I had within weeks of eachother has been beyond heartbreaking. I'm trying to be strong for my babies, but it's so incredibly hard. 💔💔💔
I love you, Mommy... to Heaven and back. 💖
xo, Sarah
I came over to thank you for leaving such a lovely comment on Marmelade Gypsy. What I discovered was one of the most eloquent, honest posts about your love for your mom and the great sadness that comes with not being able to say goodbye.
ReplyDeleteYou have suffered such a great deal of significant loss in the past few weeks and of course I send you hugs and all the positive energy in the world to find the strength needed to cope as you adjust to this. Death is tough in any instance; unexpected death just shatters.
For ten years I worked in a grief support facility and if there was anything I learned, it is this: Everyone grieves differently and over different and extended periods of time. It's not linear -- you may be doing fine and something triggers a recurrence almost as sharp as the initial grief. Please try not to stuff it down, although sometimes you may have to, unfortunately. But find your safe place to cry. Write. Feel. Tell stories -- all the best stories, like those you shared here -- with your children, your friends, anyone who will listen. We stay alive through the memories of those who loved us. It's that simple. And it's that complicated. Rituals, like lighting a candle to bring them into your special moments may help. Or maybe that's not your style but something else is. Find the best ways you can. She sounds like a magnificent woman and I am so deeply grateful that you had the opportunity for that last hug, and talk.
Grief is like the scab on your knee that you got when you fell on the cement decades ago. It bleeds hard, sometimes even breaks. But it heals. And even when it does, you look down at that knee, the pigment is different, the remnant of a scar that doesn't hurt but always is present. But you learn to live with it. It takes a long while and there's no timetable. But you will heal.
And it probably goes without saying but don't erase that message. One day you will want to hear her voice again and you'll have it there.
I'm so deeply sorry, Sarah.
Jeanie,
DeleteThank you so much for your heartfelt comment. It brought tears to my eyes. Your advice is great, and I'll definitely follow it. This has been an absolutely devastating couple of weeks, but we're trying to get through it together as a family and lean on eachother. It's funny how different people remember different little things about someone. I was talking to my brother and he mentioned something that my mom did on one of her visits to Chicago. I completely forgot about it and when he told me I couldn't help but laugh. My grandma and my mom were both so similar in how free spirited they both were. They were funny without trying to be, and constantly kept a smile on everyone's faces. They'll be missed so much. 😔
Thank you for reading and leaving such a sweet comment. I appreciate it SO much more than you know. 💖
xo, Sarah
Thanks a lot :D
ReplyDeleteOMG, no words <3
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I'm so incredibly sorry for your loss. I don't know the pain of losing a parent (thankfully), but I can only imagine how heart-wrenching it is. Please know that you're in my prayers <3
ReplyDeleteThank you so much. I appreciate it. 💖
Deletexo, Sarah
Oh my goodness. There are no words. I am so so sorry about this. My heart breaks for you!
ReplyDeleteThank you for your sweet comment. It's been rough but I'm pushing on because I know my mom would want me to. I know that she's with me everyday, even if she's not here physically. 💕
Deletexo, Sarah